Begin Again

Alright, so Christmas has come and gone and I am fatter than I have ever been in my entire life.

I have contacted other survivors. and asked how they do it. How do people really loose weight? I feel like I have armed myself with all the right tools and information it's just actually getting it all to flow and work that's difficult for me. Jay doesn't the situation. He constantly talks about how he wants to fit into his clothes better and be more in shape. He eats junk all the time. Most of the time he eats terribly late at night. Now, I am saying all of this out of love not from a judgemental place, but since I began living there I have taken on some of these habits. It's like being there and watching it all take place somehow has made it okay for me to eat and behave that way.
I read and research weight loss until I swear it could come out of my eye balls. Even with all of that knowledge, I still have not been all that successful. I need to buckle down and work my ass off. Literally. I just hate feeling like crap all the time. I hate the way people look at me now. I hate crying myself into a panic attack in dressing rooms everywhere. I HATE looking at pictures of myself. But most of all I hate the way I hate myself for letting this all happen.
I wasn't a victim. I did this to myself. I feel like making a new years resolution to loose weight. I want to set realistic goals for myself because I believe some of the failures in the past have been because of reaching for the proverbial moon hoping to drop 20lbs in two weeks or something stupid like that. I need to be kinder to myself. The emotional beating that I undertake every single time I eat is horrific and I should learn to love myself a little bit better.
I will begin today, by getting on the elliptical machine as soon as I get home. The C25K app will be the one I start with. I will just begin with cardio and see how that effects my energy and weight loss.

Along with all of this cardio, I need to try and incorporate Yoga and Pilates into my routine. I will check back in and log my progress.