Today I feel sickly. I know that it shouldn't matter in this whole "new attitude" but it is so very hard to concentrate on eating well and working out when a puny feeling has come over me. Jay called just a bit ago and let me know that he was on his way home, sick as well.
For lunch, I only had a Light Southwestern bowl of soup. I do not think it to be too high in calories but it was all I could stomach after throwing up all morning long. Lettuce just didn't sound remotely good to me.
All this Christmas eating that has happened over the past couple of week has wrecked the previous work I had done. I have cut back on calories in the past couple of weeks but haven't seen great results. I didn't exactly gained any weight through. I think that if I can get down to a goal weight that I will be all over maintenance but I guess until then I will have to just bust my butt.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Begin Again
Alright, so Christmas has come and gone and I am fatter than I have ever been in my entire life.
I have contacted other survivors. and asked how they do it. How do people really loose weight? I feel like I have armed myself with all the right tools and information it's just actually getting it all to flow and work that's difficult for me. Jay doesn't the situation. He constantly talks about how he wants to fit into his clothes better and be more in shape. He eats junk all the time. Most of the time he eats terribly late at night. Now, I am saying all of this out of love not from a judgemental place, but since I began living there I have taken on some of these habits. It's like being there and watching it all take place somehow has made it okay for me to eat and behave that way.
I read and research weight loss until I swear it could come out of my eye balls. Even with all of that knowledge, I still have not been all that successful. I need to buckle down and work my ass off. Literally. I just hate feeling like crap all the time. I hate the way people look at me now. I hate crying myself into a panic attack in dressing rooms everywhere. I HATE looking at pictures of myself. But most of all I hate the way I hate myself for letting this all happen.
I wasn't a victim. I did this to myself. I feel like making a new years resolution to loose weight. I want to set realistic goals for myself because I believe some of the failures in the past have been because of reaching for the proverbial moon hoping to drop 20lbs in two weeks or something stupid like that. I need to be kinder to myself. The emotional beating that I undertake every single time I eat is horrific and I should learn to love myself a little bit better.
I will begin today, by getting on the elliptical machine as soon as I get home. The C25K app will be the one I start with. I will just begin with cardio and see how that effects my energy and weight loss.
Along with all of this cardio, I need to try and incorporate Yoga and Pilates into my routine. I will check back in and log my progress.
I have contacted other survivors. and asked how they do it. How do people really loose weight? I feel like I have armed myself with all the right tools and information it's just actually getting it all to flow and work that's difficult for me. Jay doesn't the situation. He constantly talks about how he wants to fit into his clothes better and be more in shape. He eats junk all the time. Most of the time he eats terribly late at night. Now, I am saying all of this out of love not from a judgemental place, but since I began living there I have taken on some of these habits. It's like being there and watching it all take place somehow has made it okay for me to eat and behave that way.
I read and research weight loss until I swear it could come out of my eye balls. Even with all of that knowledge, I still have not been all that successful. I need to buckle down and work my ass off. Literally. I just hate feeling like crap all the time. I hate the way people look at me now. I hate crying myself into a panic attack in dressing rooms everywhere. I HATE looking at pictures of myself. But most of all I hate the way I hate myself for letting this all happen.
I wasn't a victim. I did this to myself. I feel like making a new years resolution to loose weight. I want to set realistic goals for myself because I believe some of the failures in the past have been because of reaching for the proverbial moon hoping to drop 20lbs in two weeks or something stupid like that. I need to be kinder to myself. The emotional beating that I undertake every single time I eat is horrific and I should learn to love myself a little bit better.
I will begin today, by getting on the elliptical machine as soon as I get home. The C25K app will be the one I start with. I will just begin with cardio and see how that effects my energy and weight loss.
Along with all of this cardio, I need to try and incorporate Yoga and Pilates into my routine. I will check back in and log my progress.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
If I don't just NEED
Today for lunch a Subway sandwich was consumed. Before that no breakfast. For dinner, Sonic.
Yeah, I know. I sort of fell off the wagon with my dinner. I had a chicken club toaster. Enough said.
On a high note, I did workout and lifted weights tonight. I did wait until later on in the evening, but I still got the workout it. I have realized that working out is pretty much the most important part of this loose weight process. I think for my energy's sake, I absolutely have to do some long lost cardio. I have to get off my butt to gain some resemblance of my former self. Jay came into the room and helped me out with some of my movements when it came to the weights knowing that I was clueless. He is pretty amazing like that. Really, he is more of my motivator than the rest of the world. I want so much for him to have an overwhelming amount of pride when he looks at me or takes me out in public. I am certain that these thoughts are extremely self centered, but I don't care. I can not stop thinking about how much I want to be just little.
Oh, and I forgot that I also ate four pieces of Becca's Cucumber roll from yesterday. She is my non fish eating coworker that somehow destroyed two of them and left four of them for me. They weren't good after being left in the fridge over night but weirdly I just kept eating them.
I need to work on that. If I don't really just need the food, then I shouldn't eat the food.
Yeah, I know. I sort of fell off the wagon with my dinner. I had a chicken club toaster. Enough said.
On a high note, I did workout and lifted weights tonight. I did wait until later on in the evening, but I still got the workout it. I have realized that working out is pretty much the most important part of this loose weight process. I think for my energy's sake, I absolutely have to do some long lost cardio. I have to get off my butt to gain some resemblance of my former self. Jay came into the room and helped me out with some of my movements when it came to the weights knowing that I was clueless. He is pretty amazing like that. Really, he is more of my motivator than the rest of the world. I want so much for him to have an overwhelming amount of pride when he looks at me or takes me out in public. I am certain that these thoughts are extremely self centered, but I don't care. I can not stop thinking about how much I want to be just little.
Oh, and I forgot that I also ate four pieces of Becca's Cucumber roll from yesterday. She is my non fish eating coworker that somehow destroyed two of them and left four of them for me. They weren't good after being left in the fridge over night but weirdly I just kept eating them.
I need to work on that. If I don't really just need the food, then I shouldn't eat the food.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Mac Grill
You guys that battle the bulge like me ever see a friend that looks fantastic and then you think that you must look terrible?
That happened to me this weekend. My best friend came in from St. Louis this weekend and I know that she is already tall and beautiful, but she has been seeing a trainer and has made crazy progress. I have thought very seriously about doing the same, however, there just isn't any money for something like that. She was going to come and meet me on Saturday so we could have some "girl" time before we all went to dinner for my birthday. I just cringed. She has lost weight and it looking stunning.
We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. Were we all good? Nope. She picked at her pasta like a skinny girl would while Jay and I plowed through ours as though someone would shortly come zipping past our table and scoop up our plates. We both were satisfied when we ordered dessert. Kyla and I both had been drooling for this amazing lemon passion cake for months. It basically was why I decided to go there for my birthday. The waitress vaguely mentioned that the portion sizes were cut in half. Jay made some passing joke about how then they should be half the price now. When the cake was delivered, she and I were very let down. It was a fourth of the size that it used to be. I am guessing that the restaurant was catching hell for having something so decadent be so large a portion. Or maybe they are just getting cheap. I ate slowly and decided that it was all I actually needed. I didn't feel like I needed to be rolled out of the place like a wine barrel so I believe that the skinny girl attitude was there in spirit. Normally I eat so much that I feel terrible, but not that night.
I am not saying that we were good, but I was not bad either.
Of course, I can not take too much credit. We left and drove straight to the liquor store to get me some birthday 901 tequila. I love it. I know that alcohol is empty calories but I have to say that it was quite tasty. I am going to workout today when I get home so that I will feel better. Wish me luck.
That happened to me this weekend. My best friend came in from St. Louis this weekend and I know that she is already tall and beautiful, but she has been seeing a trainer and has made crazy progress. I have thought very seriously about doing the same, however, there just isn't any money for something like that. She was going to come and meet me on Saturday so we could have some "girl" time before we all went to dinner for my birthday. I just cringed. She has lost weight and it looking stunning.
We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. Were we all good? Nope. She picked at her pasta like a skinny girl would while Jay and I plowed through ours as though someone would shortly come zipping past our table and scoop up our plates. We both were satisfied when we ordered dessert. Kyla and I both had been drooling for this amazing lemon passion cake for months. It basically was why I decided to go there for my birthday. The waitress vaguely mentioned that the portion sizes were cut in half. Jay made some passing joke about how then they should be half the price now. When the cake was delivered, she and I were very let down. It was a fourth of the size that it used to be. I am guessing that the restaurant was catching hell for having something so decadent be so large a portion. Or maybe they are just getting cheap. I ate slowly and decided that it was all I actually needed. I didn't feel like I needed to be rolled out of the place like a wine barrel so I believe that the skinny girl attitude was there in spirit. Normally I eat so much that I feel terrible, but not that night.
I am not saying that we were good, but I was not bad either.
Of course, I can not take too much credit. We left and drove straight to the liquor store to get me some birthday 901 tequila. I love it. I know that alcohol is empty calories but I have to say that it was quite tasty. I am going to workout today when I get home so that I will feel better. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I Want that Story
At Walmart today I picked up a small, leather journal so that I can keep up with daily eating and drinking. I didn't so so well today, but I am going to make myself get used to it and then transfer the progress onto this blog.
Tonight I am trying to make Jay, my boyfriend, understand that it is absolutely horrible for us to be eating as late in the evenings as we have been. He works mostly outside all day long and I understand that it must be very hot for him all day long but we can not eat, badly I might add, at 8:30pm. Here I sit at 8:11pm and Jay just fired up the grill. He also drug me through the grocery store in order to purchase all of the fixings.
He really isn't easy on the diet process. I succumb to peer pressure at every turn of the road. If my coworker says she wants ice cream, then I want ice cream. If Jay says he needs doughnuts, then I need doughnuts. It is a hard struggle for me. I need to wake up every day and remember that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
The next task that I have to get on board with is eating breakfast. I hate getting up in the morning. I certainly am not going to get up and eat right off the bat. Most of the time, I step feet to the floor in just enough time to shower, dress, feed the dogs, and run out the door. I want so much to wear cute little things again sometime soon. Majority of the days I don't eat the first bite until after 1pm. I also am not consuming near enough water. I need to make myself.
I did see on Facebook recently that a woman I know lost 58lbs by eating better, working out, taking diet pills, and getting the lipo shot once a week for months now. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, but totally worth it. I want this story. I want to be writing my memoirs and telling the world how I did it. I think the key is going to be working out. I need to get my butt in gear. Literally.
Okay, so to sum up:
Fight peer pressure
Eat Breakfast
Drink Water
Eat throughout the day
Take an active initiative
Tonight I am trying to make Jay, my boyfriend, understand that it is absolutely horrible for us to be eating as late in the evenings as we have been. He works mostly outside all day long and I understand that it must be very hot for him all day long but we can not eat, badly I might add, at 8:30pm. Here I sit at 8:11pm and Jay just fired up the grill. He also drug me through the grocery store in order to purchase all of the fixings.
He really isn't easy on the diet process. I succumb to peer pressure at every turn of the road. If my coworker says she wants ice cream, then I want ice cream. If Jay says he needs doughnuts, then I need doughnuts. It is a hard struggle for me. I need to wake up every day and remember that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
The next task that I have to get on board with is eating breakfast. I hate getting up in the morning. I certainly am not going to get up and eat right off the bat. Most of the time, I step feet to the floor in just enough time to shower, dress, feed the dogs, and run out the door. I want so much to wear cute little things again sometime soon. Majority of the days I don't eat the first bite until after 1pm. I also am not consuming near enough water. I need to make myself.
I did see on Facebook recently that a woman I know lost 58lbs by eating better, working out, taking diet pills, and getting the lipo shot once a week for months now. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done, but totally worth it. I want this story. I want to be writing my memoirs and telling the world how I did it. I think the key is going to be working out. I need to get my butt in gear. Literally.
Okay, so to sum up:
Fight peer pressure
Eat Breakfast
Drink Water
Eat throughout the day
Take an active initiative
Friday, August 13, 2010
Surprised...
Yesterday around 5pm, my best friend Kyla who moved away to Missouri about 8 months ago burst through my door at work. Now, as overwhelmingly happy as I was to see her, I felt immediately horrified that she had lost so much weight and was looking fabulous and I was looking haggard. Not to mention she had an old flame of hers in tow that used to have a crush on me. I was just floored and mortified. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
Immediately I felt all these thoughts rising up from my feet and excreting out through my pores. The main thing that I wonder if he was thinking was, "Damn, she sure let herself go since I have seen her last". This caused a huge lump in my throat and a nervous energy to arise in the room. He was looking for approval from Kyla's bestie and I was just plain ole embarrassed.
I did eat a fried chicken sandwich today along with about three french fries and a cup of sweet tea. I sit here now at 15 minutes till 7pm, and that is all that I have eaten. I was so busy at work that I just couldn't eat. I need to make sure that I eat at least every two hours. I am going to look up articles about which are the best foods to eat throughout the daytime.
Workout for 08/13/10: 25 minutes on the elliptical / 20 crunches / 25 scissor kicks
Immediately I felt all these thoughts rising up from my feet and excreting out through my pores. The main thing that I wonder if he was thinking was, "Damn, she sure let herself go since I have seen her last". This caused a huge lump in my throat and a nervous energy to arise in the room. He was looking for approval from Kyla's bestie and I was just plain ole embarrassed.
I did eat a fried chicken sandwich today along with about three french fries and a cup of sweet tea. I sit here now at 15 minutes till 7pm, and that is all that I have eaten. I was so busy at work that I just couldn't eat. I need to make sure that I eat at least every two hours. I am going to look up articles about which are the best foods to eat throughout the daytime.
Workout for 08/13/10: 25 minutes on the elliptical / 20 crunches / 25 scissor kicks
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Multi-sensitive
Okay, so much for the whole Multi-vitamin thing. I took one this morning on the way out of the door with a glass of water and before I could even get to work, I noticed that something didn't feel right. I ran through the front door to the bathroom where I proceeded to relieve myself of that orange little pill.
I am not sure if it was taking it on an empty stomach or the fact that my system is sensitive, but I will look at that bottle in fear from now on.
I will just sit here and sip a Sprite while not really worrying about the calories.
I did workout for about 20 minutes last night on the elliptical machine and then later on in the evening after cooking and then cleaning the kitchen (that counts as burning calories right?) I did 1 set of 20 squats and 2 sets of 12 lounges. It is a start. And I am a little sore just thinking about it.
I am not sure if it was taking it on an empty stomach or the fact that my system is sensitive, but I will look at that bottle in fear from now on.
I will just sit here and sip a Sprite while not really worrying about the calories.
I did workout for about 20 minutes last night on the elliptical machine and then later on in the evening after cooking and then cleaning the kitchen (that counts as burning calories right?) I did 1 set of 20 squats and 2 sets of 12 lounges. It is a start. And I am a little sore just thinking about it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday- grocery store trip
Woke up this morning feeling pretty darn good about this journal that I am keeping on here for the world to see. Well, actually I am the only viewer at this time, but I hope to one day open this blog to the public and let the world know about my struggle through weight loss.
I went to the Kroger today and went crazy in the produce section. I love the idea of eating only organic foods!
Back in the old days, there was no such terminology such as obesity, thrown about on a daily basis. Things of this nature didn't really affect people the way it does now. I am from the south. In the south industry is lead predominately by agriculture. Families planted the seeds, watered the earth, watched the sprouts grow, tended the food as it grew, and reaped the rewards from all the hard work. No pesticides were used during the process of planting, watering, or sowing which made the food much more wholesome and without horrible chemical residue. Not to mention that all that working in that big ole garden more than likely kept all the family thin and healthy.
I went straight to the organic food section, not even concerned with the higher prices, and just started throwing things in my basket. After I assaulted the store, I went home and happily put away my groceries feeling somewhat adult and accomplished.
I purchased all types of "clean foods". Grapes, apples, bell peppers, spinach leaf salad, squash, onions, blueberries, bananas, and carrots were all so colorful riding around in the grocery with me while I tried to only buy the selections I had previously decided upon. It was really hard when checking out not to reach up and grab a Reese's peanut butter cup (my greatest weakness) or so M&Ms or even just a Pepsi. I did resist and felt pretty okay about it. I am having a Coke Zero right now and thinking how much better water more than likely is for me, but hey we all have to indulge. I am extremely sleepy nowadays, so I also went ahead and purchased a women's multi-vitamin. I don't know that I have ever been someone that took vitamins so I am hoping to see an almost instant difference in the way I feel.
This whole weekend was a wash. I didn't eat all that well and the most working out I got done was occasionally tossing a ball into the kitchen for my dogs to run and get. I know. Horrible. I have an extremely nice elliptical machine that my dad gave me for Christmas in the office that I could have been on while watching television. I could have been doing some much needed push ups or squats, but I didn't. I just lazed about all weekend not wanting to get out and do anything at all. When I get home today, I MUST make myself get on the machine for at least 30 minutes. It will work. I have faith. I of course will feel great afterwards having raised my heart rate and got a got bout of cardio in. Well, I will feel great after the shower.
I will let you know tomorrow if I actually ate well and worked out.
Thanks for listening.
I went to the Kroger today and went crazy in the produce section. I love the idea of eating only organic foods!
Back in the old days, there was no such terminology such as obesity, thrown about on a daily basis. Things of this nature didn't really affect people the way it does now. I am from the south. In the south industry is lead predominately by agriculture. Families planted the seeds, watered the earth, watched the sprouts grow, tended the food as it grew, and reaped the rewards from all the hard work. No pesticides were used during the process of planting, watering, or sowing which made the food much more wholesome and without horrible chemical residue. Not to mention that all that working in that big ole garden more than likely kept all the family thin and healthy.
I went straight to the organic food section, not even concerned with the higher prices, and just started throwing things in my basket. After I assaulted the store, I went home and happily put away my groceries feeling somewhat adult and accomplished.
I purchased all types of "clean foods". Grapes, apples, bell peppers, spinach leaf salad, squash, onions, blueberries, bananas, and carrots were all so colorful riding around in the grocery with me while I tried to only buy the selections I had previously decided upon. It was really hard when checking out not to reach up and grab a Reese's peanut butter cup (my greatest weakness) or so M&Ms or even just a Pepsi. I did resist and felt pretty okay about it. I am having a Coke Zero right now and thinking how much better water more than likely is for me, but hey we all have to indulge. I am extremely sleepy nowadays, so I also went ahead and purchased a women's multi-vitamin. I don't know that I have ever been someone that took vitamins so I am hoping to see an almost instant difference in the way I feel.
This whole weekend was a wash. I didn't eat all that well and the most working out I got done was occasionally tossing a ball into the kitchen for my dogs to run and get. I know. Horrible. I have an extremely nice elliptical machine that my dad gave me for Christmas in the office that I could have been on while watching television. I could have been doing some much needed push ups or squats, but I didn't. I just lazed about all weekend not wanting to get out and do anything at all. When I get home today, I MUST make myself get on the machine for at least 30 minutes. It will work. I have faith. I of course will feel great afterwards having raised my heart rate and got a got bout of cardio in. Well, I will feel great after the shower.
I will let you know tomorrow if I actually ate well and worked out.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Today....
Today, I am a 26 year old female living with a problem. This problem consumes at least a fraction of every single thought that I have. I was once a beautiful, confident, strong woman. Now I am at a point that none of that is in my rear view mirror. I do have an amazing man in my life, but each and every single minute I am terrified that he will leave me to be with someone that believes in herself. Someone that doesn't cry every time she goes to buy a new pair of pants. Someone that doesn't cringe at meeting new people for fear of what they really think. Someone that doesn't judge herself against every woman she meets and wonders how that girl feels about her own body. Someone that doesn't wish every minute to be another person.
I live this hell all the time.
Every day I wake up wishing for something to change. I want to feel good walking out of the bathroom knowing that I am hot and ready to meet the world again. I am ready to not feel so exhausted all the time. Ain't nothing to it, but to do it. Right?
I read countless articles and medical journals on the latest fad diets and even attempt to try one or two of them without success of any kind. As I sit here and right this, I have only accomplished to loose about 10lbs ever. There is a huge part of me that is in disbelief that it is even possible for me. I am about 5"4" and I weigh in at about 185lbs. No joke. Most people wouldn't guess that high of an amount, but that is the fact of the matter. Does that humiliate me to admit? Absolutely. For the sake of being honest, I love carbs and am having the worst time giving up yummy junk food. I recently decided to begin an organic movement in my household by encouraging us to eat things as close to natural as possible. I did it for a few weeks along with cardio every day for at least 30 minutes and was beginning to see a tad of results. Then, my boyfriend's birthday happened and it all went to shit. We went out to eat many times that week and I just can't say no to such delectable food. I will learn. I should learn the will power. These things are just really hard. I suppose it is the "hard" is what makes skinny people stand out.
There is no way of getting around genetics, but I am about to see where I land on that scheme of things. One of these days, my boyfriend will pop the question and I don't want to be one of those fat brides that looks like she has no buisness wearing a gown. Each person has an idea of their self worth and mine is a bit tarnished. I feel like people don't really see me anymore. They just see that I have blown up llike a balloon then they shut me down. I want to stop traffic again.
My family and I are really close. Two weekends ago, my aunt asked me why I didn't shop more. She asked why I couldn't just accept what I am now and find clothes that make me look good at this current weight. This comment changed me. I don't want to accept it. I want to be gorgeous again. I want people to look at me and wonder how I am doing it.
Clean Eating is the lifestyle of choice for me at this time. I will begin again with eating mostly veggies and protein and I will continue until a difference is seen. I do not cook well and I am sure that those stories will show up on here as well. I will exercise everysingle day in one way or another. The plan is still soft, but I will continue to report it to this blog. I hope to one day take this blog public and broadcast my success story. And here we go.....
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