Today....

Today, I am a 26 year old female living with a problem. This problem consumes at least a fraction of every single thought that I have. I was once a beautiful, confident, strong woman. Now I am at a point that none of that is in my rear view mirror. I do have an amazing man in my life, but each and every single minute I am terrified that he will leave me to be with someone that believes in herself. Someone that doesn't cry every time she goes to buy a new pair of pants. Someone that doesn't cringe at meeting new people for fear of what they really think. Someone that doesn't judge herself against every woman she meets and wonders how that girl feels about her own body. Someone that doesn't wish every minute to be another person.

I live this hell all the time.

Every day I wake up wishing for something to change. I want to feel good walking out of the bathroom knowing that I am hot and ready to meet the world again. I am ready to not feel so exhausted all the time. Ain't nothing to it, but to do it. Right?

I read countless articles and medical journals on the latest fad diets and even attempt to try one or two of them without success of any kind. As I sit here and right this, I have only accomplished to loose about 10lbs ever. There is a huge part of me that is in disbelief that it is even possible for me. I am about 5"4" and I weigh in at about 185lbs. No joke. Most people wouldn't guess that high of an amount, but that is the fact of the matter. Does that humiliate me to admit? Absolutely. For the sake of being honest, I love carbs and am having the worst time giving up yummy junk food. I recently decided to begin an organic movement in my household by encouraging us to eat things as close to natural as possible. I did it for a few weeks along with cardio every day for at least 30 minutes and was beginning to see a tad of results. Then, my boyfriend's birthday happened and it all went to shit. We went out to eat many times that week and I just can't say no to such delectable food. I will learn. I should learn the will power. These things are just really hard. I suppose it is the "hard" is what makes skinny people stand out.

There is no way of getting around genetics, but I am about to see where I land on that scheme of things. One of these days, my boyfriend will pop the question and I don't want to be one of those fat brides that looks like she has no buisness wearing a gown. Each person has an idea of their self worth and mine is a bit tarnished. I feel like people don't really see me anymore. They just see that I have blown up llike a balloon then they shut me down. I want to stop traffic again.

My family and I are really close. Two weekends ago, my aunt asked me why I didn't shop more. She asked why I couldn't just accept what I am now and find clothes that make me look good at this current weight. This comment changed me. I don't want to accept it. I want to be gorgeous again. I want people to look at me and wonder how I am doing it.

Clean Eating is the lifestyle of choice for me at this time. I will begin again with eating mostly veggies and protein and I will continue until a difference is seen. I do not cook well and I am sure that those stories will show up on here as well. I will exercise everysingle day in one way or another. The plan is still soft, but I will continue to report it to this blog. I hope to one day take this blog public and broadcast my success story. And here we go.....